You’re funny; I can’t deny it. You have a special gift that always makes you the center of attention. Those around you yearn to hear your stories and that attention is directly proportional to your grandiose gestures. It seems like that role fits you like a glove; you know how to stand out. And that’s great… I like the way you are and I enjoy spending time with you. However, you have this ugly habit of nicknaming anyone and everyone. At first it was funny. I have to admit, you’ve given some great nicknames, some which people still use today. But everything has its limit. Behind the laughs of some is hidden the misfortune of others. Your persistent christenings have caused cries of anguish and break-ups. It’s just that once you start, it can’t be stopped. Entire communities have seen their own names disappear because of your nicknames. No one can escape it. You have a talent, a special kind of third eye. You came, you saw, you nicknamed. I’m not asking you to give it up cold turkey, just try to control it. Avoid doing it with people older than twenty-five and especially those with families. Your nicknames discredit them and that’s not ok. Think about it. I’m sure if you do, your circle of friends will become much larger.

I’m not going to beat around the bush; you’ve kind of lost touch with reality. Don’t get mad… I know how it feels because I went through the same thing before. I, too, was the king of parties and took my fair share of body shots off the cute girl at the bar. Nightlife was your natural habitat and it unfolded before you like a princess at the ball, but those good times must come to an end. Although you may feel young and strong enough to go out every night as though you were still a freshman in college, the truth is you’re not. You ignore the obvious—the first symptom, because people like you don’t even realize it. By the looks of it, there’s a gap between space and time which mathematics can’t explain, preventing you from seeing that the people who surround you are 20 years younger. But cheer up, you’ll get there. Accept that your hair is no longer what it used to be and that neither Rogaine nor any of those other special creams you buy will actually prevent your follicles from abandoning you. For those twenty-something year olds, you’re old, while for women your own age you’re immature. Get your life together. Change your clothes. Don’t think that shirt from the 80s is vintage, really it’s just old-fashioned and ugly. And don’t blame your cleats for not being able to run as fast as those other, younger guys. But don’t get down on yourself. Relax. Simply accept it and get ready to enter into a new age in your life. Soon, you’ll be able to enjoy the advantages of being part of the club of handsome middle-aged men.